computer science n. [Origin: possibly Prof. P. B. Fellgett’s rhetorical question, “Is computer science?”] 1 A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. 2 The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 3 The costly enumeration of the obvious. 4 The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 5 Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 6 The Post-Turning decline in formal systems theory. “Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.”—Prof. M. Thümp.

→The only universally accepted computer scientific theorem to emerge, so far, is my own rather depressing:

Theorem: All programs are dull.

Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is the least interesting program, the obvious dullness of which provides the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.

Some plagiarists have tried to reverse this argument to show that all programs are interesting, but all they actually prove is that there exists a least dull program. This I am willing to accept, since I wrote it in 1954—and I can assure you that it is no longer of any interest to me or anyone.

computible adj. Also (in archaic systems literature) computable. (Of a function) listed, or claimed to be listed, in any extant manufacturer’s catalog of available software.

conjecture n. 1 Mathematics A hypothesis in search of a counterexample. Once united, they marry, move to the suburbs, raise a few boring lemmata, and are never heard of again.

→Some conjectures, alas, seem doomed to sail forever seeking conjugal resolution, allowed to come ashore but once a year. They anchor briefly near the Martin Gardner strands until the smooth rabble drives them out to sea.

2 Data processing The firm, irrevocable, notarized pledge, sworn on the grave of one or both of the programmer’s putative parents, that the job will run on time (excluding any delays caused or enhanced by war, civil commotion, or rioting, whether declared, spontaneous, reprehensible, or justified; undue pressure to perform, from whatsoever source; mal de mer, mal de pays, mal de sièecle, mal de code, mal de machine, or any force majeure not pretofore invoked).

→Embarrassed with a daily richness of firm conjectures, the DPM is left with a pleasantly selective task known as scheduling.